He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
