Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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