If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
