you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
