i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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