I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just found a bag of teeth...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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