just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
40s are totally the cure
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
