Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I puked a lego.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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