I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
