So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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