I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
