Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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