dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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