Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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