make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
