i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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