Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
