I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Randomize
