your parents love me but you hate me
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
