Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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