I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
