3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
