My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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