Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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