not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
