Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
