i already hear my dad disowning me
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So apparently I’m into choking now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
