haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
