sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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