Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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