The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Randomize