That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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