my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
