Joe is yelling at the trees again.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
