i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
