I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize