i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
