New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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