So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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