Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
