Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Success! We fucked roommates!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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