ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just had sex bonerless
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
