Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize