Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
