ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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