I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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