I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
