a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
