My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
