you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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