Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
