I never want to see another naked old woman again.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
