Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
