i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
