hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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