why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
bring money and cleavage
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
