Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize