I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
