Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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