phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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