Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
